Growing up I thought that quality was a natural inherent sense in all of us. I would hear things like “follow your conscience” and imagine that inside all of us is some hidden wisdom that will tell us what is good and bad.
As an adult I tell myself that I don’t believe this anymore, but it’s still a deeply ingrained habit of mine to assume that there will be something that stops me from being too bad. Our bodies give us a sense of what is harming us in our immediate physicality. But the cells in our body and the dendrites in our brains don’t have any ability to predict what’s good for us in the future. Or what psychological harm there may be in the long term, or hidden physical harms.
Now the terms “follow your conscience” has taken on a different meaning for me. It’s not the conscience of the little voice I expect to be there to guide me whenever I’m in a confuddle. I’m now trying to find the conscious in me. The awareness when I open my eyes and mind, and drop the automatic filters that block my perception.
It’s satori that I’m seeking. The awareness of the buddha.
The importance of experiencing satori at least once in your life. It’s an experience of contradictions, like all good experiences. You feel connected to everyone around you and even all of humanity and of nature and especially something beyond all of that. But you aren’t attached anymore, so someone’s hate and anger and hurtful actions are just something to be compassionate about, not to become angry and hateful and hurtful in return.
It lasts sometimes a few seconds, sometimes a few minutes, but with a sense of “why isn’t all of life like this? Everything is so simple, so clean, so beautiful. Everything is good and everything is fine, everything is as it should be.”
All the senses become alive. Colors are vibrant, sounds are ecstatic, taste and touch are sublime. But again there’s no attachment, theres no amazement, theres no jumping up and dancing. There’s just a smile on your face maybe and a feeling that theres no need for such excessive expressions, everything is as it should be.
Satori is a lot of things and it is also nothing at all. As frustratingly confusing as that sounds, it’s true and it’s frustrating and confusing because language is a medium that the ego exists in, the sense of “I” vs “You” and satori exists outside of that ego. The ego is still there but it has for once in your life shut up and let the real You drive the consciencesness for a moment.