There is a distinction between a secret that is shameful and a secret that is precious.
You know what the difference between shameful and precious is pretty easy to tell. But how the human person is affected, is where things become interesting.
A shameful secret follows the law of “what you resist, persists.” Ever notice that the secret you’re keeping keeps trying to come out of the box? Or that it’s always under attack of being made public? Or that, no matter how hard you try to forget that it exists and just go on with your life, the more you are reminded of it?
The shameful secret will haunt you and dig you deeper and deeper into shame in an almost logical pattern. You told your mom that you’re going to be out with your good family friends, while instead you go to hang out with your badass outsider friends. So they are a secret. But then you have to hide from those people that you are shamefully hiding them, while you have to hide from your parents that you are a shameful person that lied to them.
Shameful secrets seem to copulate with moments of your life and produce more shameful secrets that ooze into the rest of your life and the life of others. Before you know it, your life might end up being largely a shameful secret, with just little pockets of the genuine you here and there. Maybe a friend or two knows how you really are. Maybe a family member. Maybe some anonymous name on the internet tied to some blog or social media.
A precious secret, on the other hand, develops more precious moments in your life. They marry with moments in your life to produce more precious secrets that are only yours and a few others. Usually the precious secrets are the bright points in people’s lives that are otherwise covered in shameful secrets.
A precious secret is the love you hold for your lover. Even he or she doesn’t know to the full extent that you feel about them. Only you can know and God knows.
A precious secret may be how generous you are without anyone knowing. How you anonymously help people and leave dollar bills on them as they sleep on the sidewalks at night.
These secrets, unfortunately, do not occur as easily as the shameful secrets. They don’t marry themselves to the moments in your life by themselves. You have to introduce them to the moments, have them shake their hands, and then find some common ground in which they can get started on their relationship. And sometimes you may never realize that you’ve just created a new special moment until years later you look back and you realize, “oh my, how lovely that moment was,” and the memory of it sweeps you back into the tastes and textures of that specific moment and you relive it inside your mind and you automatically smile.
Creepily, because you’re on the bus and you’ve been mindlessly staring at an old chinese woman who’s now terrified of you.
One thing that happens often is that the topic of sex and sexuality and genitalia (*giggle*) is turned into a shameful secret when it is, in fact, a precious secret. So you can just see the progression for that child’s life when it considers a fundamental driving force of it’s existence (the desire to procreate and feel intense pleasure) as a shameful secret.
What occurs is that the parents that are scared and shameful about their sexuality, pass on this shame and fear into their children, among other shames and fears I’m sure. As I said, shameful secrets have a way of sort of naturally oozing out everywhere like mold, even to other people.
One way to blast the shameful secret out of existence by taking the the ‘secret’ out of it. Depending on the level of shame, the more courage and determination and will power you’ll need to finally divulge the secret to those who matters. Doesn’t have to be the world, but just people who matter. Apologize to those you’ve hurt in some way that they don’t know about. Apologize to those who you’ve broken promises with and have hid things from.
What this does, is it breaks up the fundamental nature of the ‘shameful secret.’ Without the secret, it’s just shameful. A shameful what? A shameful part of your past that isn’t in existence in the present moment or in your future moment anymore. As a ‘shameful secret,’ the secret is occurring right now and up to the point where you divulge the secret or you die. It’s not in the past, it’s happening right now and it’s affecting your life, your psyche, and your relationship with everyone and your relationship with life and how you’re living your life.
Imagine a life where those secrets, even just some of them, aren’t on your shoulders anymore.
What happens is that you experience a sense like someone pulled the veil off of your head. It’s as if you’ve been viewing the world through this heavy veil and it’s been dragging your head down and you only see shades of human beings through this dark filter. And suddenly the weight is lifted and your eyes open and you see this person crystal clear for the first time, in a long time. And behold! It’s your mother! Your mother from when you were a baby and she cherishes you and loves you and is trying the best within her abilities to ensure your happiness for the rest of your life. Not the mother that, under the veil, constantly makes annoying stupid remarks that she doesn’t know jack shit about and she should just keep her damn face shut.
Where did this beautiful creature come from who’s smile makes deeply ingrained neurons in your brain, connections as ancient as when you were 1 day old, fire and loads of happy juice flows throughout your brain and body and you feel instantly cared for, safe, comforted, and your incessant crying for “more more more! more food, more money, more freedom, more gadgets, more stability, more happiness” stops and you are able to close your eyes and be at peace? Well she was always there, you’ve just had a veil over your head due to some shameful secret that probably has nothing to do with her, and this is what you’ve been missing out on.
Was the price worth it?
Sometimes it is.