You think I’m amazing now.. you shoulda seen me at 16

Well no.. you probably wouldn’t have wanted to see me. I was fat and hairy, wore ugly clothing, and was probably one of those uncomfortably uncomfortable guys in the room. You know those people that you wish would just relax cause they’re making you feel uncomfortable and guilty cause you know that you’re the one they’re uncomfortable being around? I was that guy.
BUT. You would’ve liked to talk to me online. Or read some of my HS papers or poems. I was pretty friggin amazing. I didn’t know it then. I know it now, cause I know what amazing truly is, personally. And I wish that I could go back to me when I was in HS and tell myself that looking as good as I do now and feeling as good as I do now comes with a price. The price of losing that depressive artistic edge. Although, knowing me as I was back then, I’d have accepted that price. That’s cause, as smart as I was back then, I was an idiot in a lot of ways too.
I’m glad I’m smarter now.
You ever have those fantasies where you would go back to some earlier you and talk to yourself? What did you imagine you’d do? Would you try to give advice? Assurances?
I always imagined that I’d say to myself, “Kid.. it ain’t gonna get any better but you sure as hell will feel like it has. And that’s all that matters.” And then maybe take me out to IHOP or something and get my fat ass fatter.


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